My fine Italian

Is it happening? Am I actually writing about my hilarious dating dabbles?
I think so. Help. (Genuinely please, I am awkward and useless at this)

You guys.

I’ve recently dipped my toe in the dangerous waters of dating, with none other than a beautiful Italian man. Seriously, beautiful doesn’t even cut it. An honest, predominantly vegetarian, funny, intelligent, well travelled, upfront, tall, dark (unbelievably) handsome Italian man, who I couldn’t really fault (no one’s perfect) but no big red flags are out.

So naturally I have very little romantic interest in him.
Maybe because he’s 34 and I feel a little odd about that. I’m not one to be wary of age gaps (I once dated a guy my own age and that lasted approx 3 weeks because we just were not on the same wave. Being 17 and me being massively dramatic *probably* did not help.)
Anyway.
34 is 11 years older than me. It’s not that it bothers me, I mean, he’s older than both my siblings but again, meh. Nearly all the women in my family have gone for older men, and I was brought up in mainly adult company. My siblings are both 7+ years older than me and I’ve kind of had to do a lot of very quick growing up at times in my life, so I do feel a wee bit older than what I am. Anyway, back to Mario* (his name), he ticks all of my boxes, he is a genuine pleasure to be around. I really like the way he pronounces words, when he can’t think of a word in English and spiels off in Italian? Staaahppp.
On paper we should really be pretty great. In reality, I feel like I’m trying really hard to force a connection. I’m definitely(until I talk myself out of our next date) going to carry on seeing him until I’m sure that I’m not self sabotaging and actually just don’t have feelings for dreamy Italian.
I know he travels a lot for work, and he’s lived and worked in more countries than you could imagine, his background is seriously impressive and he genuinely loves what he does. I think maybe I’m holding off because he could also, at the drop of a hat, move again. And I know I’m a hypocrite because I’ve done that 4 times, 3/4 times leaving a man behind those doors of an airport. Gulp.
I don’t know. There’s no reason for this. I’ve been on dates fractionally as successful and had the absolute flutters, just not this time?
Even I know, I’m in luck here. He is so open and honest, upfront, doesn’t keep me hanging, I know exactly where I stand, which are qualities I really want in a prospective partner. There’s no bad feelings, it’s not like a person who is too keen which would make me shudder, there’s just nothing. Nothing telling me to run, but nothing telling me to run after him either.

I’m also kind of a stranger to this dating thing, actual consistent dates, it’s new to me. Maybe if there’s nothing there I should just leave it, probably stay friends because we get on like a house on fire. Who knows? (If you know, please help me.)

Until next time, and as ever, clear skies are pretty much here, cloudy mind is definitely here.

*Names have been changed.

Again

Yeah, I know I literally only write to you when I need you and I’m THAT kind of friend; for that, I apologise.
I feel like when life gets too much, I have to write about it. It helps me understand my situation and how I feel about it. It helps me rationalise things, I can be a super emotional person and sometimes, in volatile situations and when life is up in the air, I tend to act based on how I feel and not what’s sensible, before I’ve calmed down and had a word with myself.
I guess I post it because it might make someone else feel like they’re not the only one without their shit together and that’s what I’m about – creating a united front of completely average to below average luck. Hoorah.

I’m going to start with something that’s been bumming me out for nearly two years. I definitely need to do something about it but that requires talking about my feelings which is not my forte. I don’t know how to bring it up and I don’t think it matters to the person in question so yeah, it’s really difficult situation but I have a lot to say that I just walked away from because the message I got from an action was very clear. The messages I’ve gotten since are not so clear. Ambiguous, aloof.. Ghosting and randomly reappearing in my life etc.  Unresolved feelings and unfinished business and not being communicated with and having something honestly explained. It eats me up. And as much as I wish I could shrug it off and walk away from it, I just can’t.
Anyway. I don’t know. Watch this space? Maybe I need to make a better effort of moving on. And just wiping this all from my mind. Obviously I’ve written about this extensively in private for my own eyes and sanity but it’s still largely unresolved for me. Pray 4 av.

Secondly.
If you know me/have tolerated so many of my social media spamming of my room and reading nook, kitchen, kitchen door etc (sob) you’d know that I was literally in love with this house. I’m not going to air out my dirty laundry online because I’m an adult and not about that life. I’ve had to move out and I’m genuinely really upset about the whole situation and I’m not even out of it yet and I very much want everything to be over so I can move on with my life and remove myself from a negative situation that I’m forever being drawn back into. IT SUCKS. It hurts. Everything hurts. I just want it to be over.
I guess this has made me quite aloof and withdrawn. I’m definitely upset and I definitely ugly cried in the bath last night because everything got a bit much. I feel like everyone has done this. So I’m okay with having done that. It’s been a while.

Other than that… Life’s good. I’m enjoying uni, I’m going to Canada on a conference for students as partners which is something I’m super passionate about, I’m dead excited to take part in it. I’m really proud of myself recently. And it’s spring, I’m busy, I’ve got loads of cool opportunities ahead of me and yeah. Fun.

sorry that it’s short and sweet, full of ramblings and mostly unstructured. I guess I’m 90% stress and 10% enjoying life but I’m really loving that 10% and taking pleasure in the fact that it’s my future, whilst this stuff going on with my house right now will hopefully, soon be the past.

I’m an advocate for being honest, even when it’s bad. So yeah. I’d be rubbish if I preached honesty but didn’t practise it myself.
Here’s a picture of a dog to make this worthwhile. I think it’s expression reflects my thoughts.
small-dog-stock

I hope you’re all having good luck and enjoying all the daffodils out at the moment.

Peace & love always,
Av
X

 

5 reasons being single is super crazy amazing.

Something I’ve established in the last month or so, is how good being single is.
Here is why.
1 – Train romance
What’s better than making a bit of awkward eye contact or someone’s hand accidentally firmly grasping your behind because the train is so packed?
Nothing. It’s mysterious and endearing all at the same time. And occasionally you come across a seriously attractive human and you have approximately 14 minutes to pretend to stare out the window but really look at them. What’s better?

2 – Noticing when you, yourself, are being a total twat.
I myself in a relationship would flip out at any problem with any person other than my significant other because I did not have an ounce of energy to give to another person.
You also think everyone else is being a dick when they’re really not. This is because your significant other is so lovey dovey and doesn’t have to be the other person having a conversation with you, when all you talk about is your significant other.
Which brings me nicely onto my next point.

3 – Conversations which do not involve
“He sent me the cutest selfie today”
“Oh my god, watch this video of – ”
“Hey do you reckon I should send him this?”
“I had the BEST sex last night” (This one especially when you yourself haven’t had good sex in… 5 months. what)
This actually benefits your social circle more than anything.
And you are probably a perpetrator of using every one of those points in one single conversation. It should be limited to one a week.
Talk about current affairs. Or anything, hell go crazy.

4 – Family value.
You know those people you grew up with and got you where you are today? Loved you unconditionally and through your tantrums?
Yeah those.

5 – cuddle pillows.
Both of my ex boyfriends used to get a bit annoyed when I’d cuddle my pillow instead of them.
a) In summer, even warmer winter nights, I do not need someone else’s body heat, THANKS.
b) I can roll all over my cuddle pillow, put me knee any damn where and not worry about the lack of children I will have because I just curled up.
c) They don’t snore or move or fidget (I’m a TERRIBLE fidgeter, as if I need another one)
d) You’ll never catch them staring at you when you wake up. As nice as it is sometimes, the last thing I want to hear after a deep slumber is “You are so beautiful in the morning” and not knowing if it’s sarcastic or what.
e) There’s no wind slips.
The number of times I’ve woken up from my boyfriend’s flatulence. No.
f) There’s no one to judge you when you have an extra 20 in bed instead of taking a shower before work. sue me I’m disgusting.

 

 

You probably shouldn’t take these too seriously but if you do find yourself being that friend that only cares about your significant other, change something, it is so annoying.