Ah, I should be studying but my mind is a bit hectic at the moment and I wanted to get something done so that I’ve felt productive today… And I’m trying to overcome some demons. I used to write a lot and I found it extremely cathartic, even if I didn’t post it, I’d just delete my thoughts but it felt like I’d gotten it off my chest.
Outside your window lies a world that can so often be dark, and littered with sadness.
Grey clouds cover the sky and we wait for another sunny day.
We turn to our timelines and watch as more greyness filters in, we observe others in negative spaces and places in their lives and we keep scrolling to see the sunny skies and the clear blue oceans.
We sometimes scroll past those celebrating small victories in their life because we feel we are not at that point yet and it casts comparison on ourselves.
I didn’t want to do that anymore.
I made a new years resolution to become more social on my social media. I cleared my follow lists of people who either left a bad taste in my mouth, or posted hateful, body shaming, mental health shaming and humble brags with no empowerment. It was negative for me. I got rid of it and my mental health improved tenfold.
I LOVE seeing people do well, of course I do. What I don’t love, is when it’s framed in a “I’m the king of the castle, and you’re a dirty rascal” vibe, laced with other posts that bring people down, either for what they share with the world, or for how they look. Not into that.
Just quietly, and I’m starting to say this out loud some more so that I can start to deal with it accordingly and lose the intoxicating shame I feel along with it. I am battling Anorexia*.
Social media, if I choose to use it incorrectly, can fuel this illness like rocket fuel to Falcon 9. So I needed to call it.
I quit SM for a few months, more or less. Occasionally needing to tap into it for University purposes (hur hur procrastination. I mean group projects.) My mental health improved, until I felt isolated.
So when I came back, I began the cull to remove “thinspo”, most fitness influencers, and people who made me feel that they were judgemental or shaming, in order to create a positive experience for myself online, since, everyone’s there these days…
By this, I mean, I started to actually interact with people. I stopped being an observer. If I saw someone was going through a crappy time I reached out. If someone had a promotion, I celebrated that. Good exam? Yas! Even if I was in a completely different space.
I made a conscious effort to do this more to women, because I have never given women the support they need, and women have never really given me the support I’ve needed, either.
I feel better for it. I feel better for celebrating the good and supporting through the bad. We’re incredibly present online, but we don’t reach out enough, and that’s sad. It’s not called antisocial media, or observer media, yet the social purpose is lost on most of us.
I’ve (for my own, valid reasons) had really broken relationships with women, that have been on the basis of distrust and competitiveness. I hated myself because I felt women hated me. I wanted to change that, and I’m the only person who can change the relationship with those around me (to an extent. Meet me half way!)
I’m absolutely not saying we need only to be kind and empowering to women, no, we need to be that to men, too. But, I feel that us women are climbing a ladder of equality, empowerment and confidence, so if we can help each other out by lending a hand to help another women reach the next step, we really should. We need to break the glass dividing us from being kind to each other, for whatever reason that this is.
Also, I’m guilty for probably not being the most positive person on SM for a lot of things. It’s my own journey and I’ve made an exceptional effort to change that. I do love the odd rant, but I equally try not to put anyone down in the process.
We are all, (women) so incredibly different. Different things motivate, empower and upset us. Our confidence levels are not on the same scale and we may vary from introverts to extroverts, and that is fine, differences should be celebrated.
As I said at the start, it can be a really bloody dark world, WE can be the reason that there’s a speckle of light in some awful times. We can be the reason we amplify the light on a good day, too.
We shouldn’t be afraid to say we’ve had a bad week, we’re feeling low.
And we shouldn’t be afraid to say we’re loving life and everything is great at the moment, either.
We should be equally interested in each other in those light and dark moments.
Quick S/O to my proudest empowering moment (Years ago, albeit!) – My first boyfriend who cheated on me, also cheated on the girl after me, and when I found out I reached out to her, and now she’s one of my best friends and the most precious human who I value unfathomably.
*Why am I sharing this online? Well, I’ve been battling with my body image for the majority of my life but this kicked into full gear about 2 years ago. It is hugely isolating and I often have isolated myself to not have to explain anything/be near people. I needed to break my habits and start talking. Sometimes, I need a little extra help. Just a conversation. Not about anorexia, not about me, just a conversation, about anything so that I don’t wrap myself around my mind and sink into a hole for a few days. It’s sometimes nice to know that people feel the same as you, and I’m opening up a path that allows anyone to talk to me about their experience, or their concerns. I have time for anyone who needs to talk through worries, because I have been there, and I have needed a someone. I’ll be yo sum1.
(I also believe that people reading this have some form of interest in me, hopefully that’s positive, if it is a negative/non existing interest please save yourself time that you’re spending investing your energy in me and kindly unfollow me, I’m not going to be able to produce any positivity in your life, find someone who will!!)
That’s all. I feel massively anxious about posting this and I feel the need to disclaim that I am not sharing this for attention, or for a cry for help, I don’t need or want people to flock to my aid, I’m just opening a door, to let things in, and to let things out. We all need some more help from time to time, I’m offering mine 🙂