Hello, it’s me…

It’s been a couple of years… Sorry for that. I promise this isn’t a booty call (it is. I’m actually so busy that I can’t promise the next time I’ll write.)

Quick update on life:
Moved back to the UK in November 2014.
Hurt myself pretty bad.
Gained a beautiful niece (Big up Ella, and my sister.)
Moved back to Aus January 2016.
Watched my Dad graduate! (Coolest moment ever.)
My cat died.
Moved back to the UK in July 2016.
Started uni.
Moved into a house full of wonderful crazy housemates.
Won a battle with the government.
In a nutshell… I think?

Swings and roundabouts.

Maybe one day I’ll be continuous and let you know the fiddly in-between bits. I basically got cold feet. Then really hot feet.
Get it?

So where are we now?
I am sat on my bed in my uni house (in Southampton), with half wrapped presents beside me, I’ve just finished a solid 10 minute stress cry.
I hate this time of year. I get so excited about Christmas and then Christmas starts happening and I just want to press pause and breathe.
I’m wrapping my nephew and nieces christmas presents and my heart (oh God, my heart) is in pieces. I hate that I won’t be there to open their presents. I also hate how I’m so limited on what I can give them because toys are so chunky and difficult to send to the other side of the world. Every time I look at Harry’s little shirt I just want to cuddle him, and very much the same with Ella’s. I wish I could talk to them about santa and see their faces light up. Harry probably understands a lot more than Ella does about him.
And my Dad, and my Sister. I am missing them all so much at the moment. I know it’s really annoying for me to complain when I have family on the other side of the world because it’s so cool and I get the opportunity to go visit them and see the world and yes, it’s amazing, and yes, it’s also the worst life.
There’s nothing more I want in this entire world than the chance to be able to live in the same city/country/continent as my family. This whole worlds apart thing? Starting to really get on my tits.
As I get older it’s something that becomes more and more important to me. And at the same time, more and more unrealistic. And it breaks my heart.
In an ideal world, I would be able to spend 6 months in either country. Unfortunately, I can’t. Maybe once I have a few mil’ in the bank.

I miss my Dad. We had so much fun when I was there. We played frisbee, started running together, we hung out every day and just got on like a house on fire, which is really amazing and then really awful to not have anymore. I miss my sister. I miss my best friend and having someone else to take the piss out of Dad. To back me up on things and sing in the car with. I have loads of lovely friends and wonderful housemates that I genuinely adore, I do. But, there’s nothing quite like them. And I’m sad about it. I love family, I love it when family do family things, and they do family things a lot. They make me feel like I’m in a family. Which obviously I am but they really make me feel it, without trying, and that’s what I’m about. I’ll probably live my life trying to recreate that as much as I can.

I hate this distance.

On the flip side, like I mentioned, my friends are great. My Best friends are so close to me (One even moved from London to Brighton which is closer and cheaper YAY.)
My best friend also got another Pug this year and now owns a home which is scArY because when did adults happen? But also great, I love seeing how happy she is and it’s amazing. Her bf is also great, they’re my favourite couple.

I had a lil p a r t a y on Friday which was really fun. I had so many of my favourite friends in one place and that was so much fun. I turn 23 next week and that’s insane. When did I get old?

I’m also seeing a surgeon on Thursday about my hip/spine/whatever else has fallen apart since my last appointment. I did some gymnastics in my last stint back in the UK and I hurt myself irreversibly and now can no longer exercise whatsoever, or, walk without pain killers that I take every day. Pretty fun.
Exercise has always been my expression, it’s how I’ve gotten my frustrations out and I think especially right now, this week while I’m feeling like this, I need it and can’t have it. I’m also scared about what I’ll be told about this surgery. Of there will be surgery. Or what. I don’t know. I hate not knowing (#Controlfreak)
It’s making me freak out about my weight, what I eat, what I look like, how my clothes fit, etc. I’m over it. I just want a working body back. I want to be back in control.

The last surgeon I saw was a jackass and a half and made me feel so belittled. I’ve never been spoken to like that before which was interesting. So this time I’m taking a list of questions, problems, etc. I’m also going to record it on my dictaphone so that I can go home and gain clarity on things I’ll definitely over think.

Anyway. This was just a ‘get it all off my chest’ post. I’ll try finish wrapping these presents without crying much more. (no promises.)

Av x


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